Steps you can take to make that difficult conversation a tad easier
A thought or feeling comes into my brain, and I decide that I want to share it with my partner. I, then, start to think of all of the ways that my ex-husband would have poked holes in my perspective, and ultimately make me leave the conversation feeling guilty for sharing and worse than I did when it started.
Maybe he would redirect the subject, get defensive, gaslight me, or turn around and show all the ways that he was the victim and I was a terrible person. I would try to prepare myself with counterarguments and strength all before I opened my mouth. Almost every conversation with my ex became a hard conversation or argument.
But it didn’t have to be that way. And with my current partner, it isn’t because we’re a fucking team! It is us against the problem, whether that be my demons or his, and we maintain that.
I’m not going to lie to you. The conversations are difficult regardless. But it can be quite a bit easier if you take these steps before and during the conversation.
I have a full worksheet PDF that provides a deeper dive into this 7-step process and provides prompts to help you move through the conversation. Write all up in it! Use it at least once to know what an easier difficult conversation can feel like.
As an overview with some extra tidbits on each step, here is how to prepare for a hard conversation:
The 7-Step Process
1. Check in with yourself: Identify your feelings, needs, assumptions, and emotional readiness before beginning.
Try to pinpoint where in your body the discomfort is gathering. Then, close your eyes, place one hand on your heart and one on your belly to breathe into that discomfort. This will help you to calm yourself and provide your brain time to slow down to produce clarity and confidence in your thoughts.
In my PDF, there is a question that asks, “What am I afraid might happen if I speak honestly?” Keep in mind that speaking honestly does not mean speaking disrespectfully. This question is suuuuper important, and will definitely highlight your insecurities - which is a GREAT thing especially if you want to grow as a person or connect with your partner.
2. Define your purpose: Determine what needs to be understood, expressed, resolved, or changed.
A clearly defined goal will help the conversation stay focused. This isn’t a laundry list of things either of you has done wrong.
We want this to be constructive, right? Staying as objective, patient, understanding, and validating to ourselves and our partner(s) are how we approach this part of the process.
3. Separate facts from stories: Distinguish what happened from the meaning you’ve assigned to it.
But don’t entirely disregard the stories you're telling yourself. It’s important to acknowledge and share them if you feel comfortable doing so so that your partner knows where your mind went and why.
Know that you both are not mind readers and that subconscious thoughts can cause non concordance.
One question that I like on my PDF in this section is “What other explanations might be possible?” This question is validating to your perception while trying to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. We lose this so often in relationships because of our lack of self-confidence and negative thinking.
4. Prepare your message: Express your experience, needs, boundaries, and requests clearly.
I get it! Words are fucking hard. I used to cry as soon as I sat down with my ex from fear, judgement, and mostly frustration about not having the right words to express what I was experiencing. In my PDF, there’s a structure that you can use to help formulate the beginning of the conversation.
5. Make room for their perspective: Prepare to listen, ask questions, and learn something you didn’t know.
The questions in this part of my PDF are honestly a bit difficult to answer on your own, so you can rearrange this step to be part of the conversation if needed.
This is the section where my younger brain would go straight towards negative thinking. My primary thought was always, “I think their perspective is that I’m absolute shit, and that they don’t want to be with me anymore,” which I knew was wrong, but still allowed to occupy a large portion of my brain.
Ultimately, we’re trying to prepare your brain into being curious, not cautious nor defensive about the other person’s perspective before having the conversation. Be open to learning about each other.
6. Navigate the conversation: Stay curious, repair misunderstandings, and take breaks when needed.
This section is just a reminder of the baseline parameters that all participants need to be aware of for the conversation to take place. If you’re ready, you can use this to queue the conversation.
7. Decide what happens next: Identify agreements, unresolved questions, boundaries, and follow-through.
This is the productive and gratifying part where you make sure you are all on the same page with the topic, have come to a conclusion or resolution, and can feel satisfied with the outcome.
Make sure not to blind side your partner(s) with a difficult conversation. They shouldn’t feel as though they also have to prepare to defend themselves against you. But they should make sure that they are in the right headspace to listen, be curious, and learn. It is your responsibility just as much as it is theirs to create and maintain a safe space to be honest and vulnerable.
Again, it is not a fight between you. It is your team (you + them) against the problem.
You can prepare for your next difficult discussion using what I have provided for you here, or you can download my full PDF worksheet with questions that help further iron out your thoughts, feelings, and words.
I am also available as a coach to help you practice having the conversation, go through the worksheet, or mediate the discussion in an unbiased way if that would help your relationship. Schedule my services by clicking the button below.
Good luck! I’m here for you if you need me.
